I haven’t written anything in a while. And my twitter has been pretty silent. This happens from time to time when my anxiety levels ramp up. When life gets too busy. When the noise of my life begins to overwhelm me. I shut down. Take a step back. Do the bare minimum and power through.
I’ve been drinking coffee again. And until this morning hadn’t meditated in 2 weeks. Always signs of a mini crisis for me.
There are days, weeks, months, when things run smoothly. Life seems to progress quietly and I feel in control. But that sense of control is an illusion and quickly ruined by reality. Sometimes shit happens. Sometimes it’s one colossal thing that brings life screeching to a halt. Other times its just a million little things that sneak up on you until you are in the middle of a giant fuck fest. The latter has been my issue recently.
I made a mistake in my teaching style and was called out on it. I had to talk to my supervisor and boss, who supported me, and then deal with the drama of going back into the classroom and continuing on. My car broke down and needed over a grand worth of repairs. Where to get the money for that? I got accepted into grad school (yay!) and I now need to juggle full-time work and part-time school. Two friends started nose diving as well and needed support and help. And it’s busy season in general at work.
I don’t do well with all that. I thought I was doing fine until I found myself with back problems once more and overwrought emotions. I cried over a bottle of wine. I cried with my cat (she didn’t seem terribly interested). I cried alone and with people. At work I sucked it up and plodded on. Smile and nod and do your job. I was -I am- not happy.
What’s the lesson I am learning from all this? Why am I writing this?
In part I’m blogging because it’s very cathartic to say I’m miserable. To admit that I have all the tools (faith, meditation, friends, yoga, family, anxiety medication) but I still fucked up. I let life unbalance me.
But I think that’s why I’m putting this out there. My faith gives me a strong belief in a God and a vision and peace, but it’s still not enough. I read all these blogs where people are finding themselves and giving advice and occasionally just making me laugh, and that’s great, but there really isn’t an answer for how to manage life.
I wish there was. I keep hoping someone will stumble upon it.
However what I’m learning is that there isn’t an answer. Life is messy. Like children, the minute you think you understand it or at least have a handle on it, it changes on you or goes entirely to pieces again.
Put another way, life is a continual process of falling down and figuring out how to get back up. So I need to be more forgiving of myself when I find myself on my ass.
So I’m sure I’ll post something soon, I have a few ideas. But right now I’m still nursing my bruises and looking for a way back.