Let me start in the middle, with the eating disorder, and work my way out.
I had an eating disorder. I didn’t know where it came from, I was just suddenly in the middle of it. As I went to therapy and got better I began to discover some of the underlying causes: a perfectionist personality, low self esteem, bullying in my past, etc. What I’ve recently discovered is that some of my childhood awkwardness, which led to the low self esteem and bullying, was based from my anxiety disorder. I was always anxious and so so nervous. I just didn’t realize what it was until recently.
I live on a higher level of anxiety at all times. I always feel as if I have to be prepared to flee at all times. To me, the world feels dangerous; living feels terrifying. I don’t always “think” it’s dangerous, although it often can be, but it “feels” that way constantly.
I had my first panic attack in college. I got a prescription for xanax and continued on my way. More recently though I’ve survived an entire weekend of being a hairs breathe from a panic attack. I barely slept, I became slightly manic, and by the third day the depression was deepening. The xanax only did so much. I just had to wait it out.
In light of this newest increase in the anxiety disorder I finally chose to learn meditation. My mind never wants to stop so I decided taking a class might not be a bad idea. A class would be somewhere I had to be at, where I would be forced to take the time to properly meditate.
Monday was my first meditation series. It was a little strange at first. The teachers are very much into polarity and chakras and it all felt a little “off.” I’m not against these concepts and beliefs, they’re just not mine and don’t work for me. However, then we got into the whole meditation piece. We were taught two different ways of breathing: deep inhaling and then what’s called “ocean breathing.” (Ocean breathing feels awesome!). Once we’d learned the breathing technique we laid back, closed our eyes, and focused on our breathing. It was a nice break, and there were brief moments where I thought of nothing but my breath.
In and out. In and out. In and out.
For about and hour we just lay and focused on breathing. By the end, I was getting antsy. To finish the session we rolled into the fetal position and then sat up. All this was done slowly as our bodies came back into reality. We then bowed, thanking ourselves and our bodies for allowing us to do this. It was a nice to feel gratitude towards my corporeal being.
At the time, it felt like a nice experience. Relaxing to be certain, but not anything too special.
It wasn’t until later, when I was trying on a dress that I noticed a change. The dress I was trying on was skin tight, something I generally would avoid because I start to critique what I see in the mirror. This time though, I liked what I saw. I thought I looked great! Genuinely was happy! I had found a little peace.
The peace has since vanished. I can’t wait until next week’s session. Hopefully, with time, I will feel an overall shift in my daily life.