I wonder what it’s like for people to only experience a few emotions at a time. I wonder what it’s like for people who can choose what emotion to pick.
I’m depressed all the time. And wildly happy too. I want to surround myself with people so I can party and drink and laugh. Yet I also want to be left alone for hours, to forget the big, bad world exists. I cry and laugh at the same time. I sink and float. I create stories in my head but end up writing nothing down. It’s exhausting and exhilarating.
I’m angry at God for making me so unbearable. So emotional, volatile, and difficult to live with. Yet, I’m happy and grateful to be alive. I don’t want to give myself, my life, up. I want to live a long time, singing God’s praises. Yet I’m afraid, because I’m so strange and difficult, that my life will prove to be a lonely one.
Isolation is the primary emotion in all this.
But all my friends say that they often feel the same way. In fact, it’s human to feel multiple emotions at once, and merely muddle through.
Mine is rawer than most, however. I have met a few individuals, not many, who are like me. No hardened callous between themselves and the world, their mind and their emotions. There is a consistent desire to jump out of one’s own skin.
How do I turn this curse into a gift? How do I not let it consume me, isolate me, or turn me into a narcissistic prick?
I came into this world screaming
I spend it clenching my fists
refusing to give in to the desire
I came into this world with love
Surrounded by my family
So much laughter, joy, and a mad desire